We are almost nearing the end of this year. At this instance, all I can say is that I sustained, endured, and attained. 2021 marks a roller coaster of events filled with soleness, dissolution, newness, endings, and beginnings. There were a lot of times where hope was destitute. I pondered into the past for reasons. Because one has to dig deeper to look out for patterns. Realization in the early beginnings taught that the mistreatment was so addictive that it even came to a stage where most of it went concealed. These awakenings are a bit hard to abstract into one’s system. The level of emotional maturity couldn’t take it well. I apologize, but there were times where I almost gave up on living!. Thought of every single means to escape the pain. With all of this going on, I cut off myself from the rest of the world when I realized there was a lack of boundaries and more disrespect which kept putting me down from growing to my complete self. At this very hazardous time, I came across a person who made me feel worthy of friendship, kindness, love, and life just by being there. It came off as an unpredictable bonding. I truly believe that an angel in disguise is always sent to mend any broken soul. Sometimes, this is a person; or some blessing that gives you hope. With that, came a bunch of non-judgemental people who kept me sane and lively until today. For whatever it is, they helped me evolve and become part of a whole new world where even the tartness tastes sweet. And now I look back into the past only to not make those choices again: of people, of circumstances, of judgments, of anything deceitful that keeps me low.

I should be sitting right now in my Motherland while sharing this, but time did not let me. I was at the clinic the other day and felt so breathless, weak, and alone without anyone to aid after a prolonged period. I paused, sat, and took the fresh oxygen inside. On the way back home, I thought about how would it feel to be alone again and still feel good. What keeps me going!? What makes me feel alive and present at the moment? Moreover, what is the purpose of walking forward and more!? It is still hard to acknowledge the reality that I could not spend time with my family or my loved ones during this holiday season. But then, as Dumbledore proclaimed in Harry Potter: ‘Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if only one remembers to turn on the light’. Yes, just like the light that appears at the end of the tunnel which is HOPE. So, I remember to not misuse this time I am inside and physically away from the outside world to reflect and completely enjoy what I do!. I have never felt so warm and comfortable with myself in the past few years. As icing on the cake, I got my loved one, dear ones, and above all a faithful family being there in these arduous times for which I am truly gratified. Perhaps, that is the magic of being with the right people at the right time. I end these few days of the year-end with only gratitude and more kindness in my soul with the hope of a delightful new beginning.

“And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.” – 1 Peter 5:10

I took a break due to my busy schedules and now am happy to be back here. Oh, Lord! This space still feels so warm and safe. So, I am home alone for quite a few more days during this holiday season and I asked my friend for a movie suggestion. I came across a wonderful piece last night. It is truly a gem of a movie! Such an articulate love story very well blend with the different aspects of the common battle fought by people in love and a constant thirst for building the life that one desires. Why do I feel like talking about this now? Oh yes, it just reminded me to share with you the story of two of my friends who are very important to me. Rian and Tara. They are the essence of my subject today.

I have known Tara for a very long time. She is my childhood friend. We are the best pals in town. I know Rian from college as Tara’s dear friend. They first met in the hallway of the bio laboratory. Rian is an introvert, and Tara is a loud character only giving him a plain stare at amazement. I still do not know why she did not initiate the conversation, they both hesitated for a while and Rian finally uttered ‘Hi’. From then on, I have known them as really close friends, not to mention, I felt left out at times. Apparently, Rian had a major crush on Tara. It did not surprise me as I felt it in a few days with their bonding. Tara wasn’t quite happy with this approach as she had nothing more than pure friendship towards him. She averted from him on purpose for a very long time which hurt him too much. He used to talk to me about it but I had no other choice than to choose my best friend over Rian.

At this point, it happened where Tara went through a major agony in her life and this took her to a stage of depression. The first person she wanted to share it with was Rian, next to me. I had to relocate to a different city by then and all she had was Rian. After a while, they became so close again and he still had the same emotions towards her. Lust or Love, I did not know either! All I have known from Tara at this point was that she had developed a different sense of fondness for him which turned into some deep emotions. They crumbled their path again at a point where both of theirs woes from the past started taking up more space than their present selves. Being a person who always looked out for Tara, I thought she made the right choice then.

Time passed by, people evolved, circumstances reversed, but Tara hadn’t. She wanted to renew and revive their friendship before New Year’s. She is one person who cannot tolerate the unfair situations in life but she also easily forgives, at least I never had to put a lot of drama to bring her back into my life when we fought as kids/adults. So, it was pretty obvious that she wanted to be back with Rian and rejuvenate their friendship. She then realized again that she is in big danger. A stubborn soul once fell so deeply in love, I knew that she isn’t going to back out. She once called me up and wept over Rian. From a go-getter and a person who doesn’t give up easily, it is pretty conventional of her. But Tara also waited so patiently for her love, despite the scars and misery that they had in their past/present, she loved him even more with all the perfect imperfections. To the very present, she is so darn proud to have him by her side. I am overwhelmingly happy over their journey and how far they have come!. And I believe that their strength to fight over the traumas, choose each other over ego, pride, indifferences, societal judgments, and not giving up even when there are certain norms due to their cultural differences make them adorable and inseparable like the Cookie&Creme. The zest is never completely felt without each other. Maybe that is the power of true love! – patient, kind, understanding, and complete acceptance of each other. I wish if I could see more of them and how their journey unwinds…It is still a baffling enigma!

“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.We love because he first loved us.” – 1 John 4: 18-19

Ever been intrigued by the mystic flow of life? Many a times, there arises situation where you are forced to blend with the likes and dislikes of the people around you or by what the surroundings offer you. Deep-minded people have wider dimensions of thoughts and most of the these get sculpt into their reality. These people do not like to just blend with it. They rarely are followers, or perhaps, never a follower! They like being their own boss and create their own reality. To me, this is something I truly believe in, no matter what others think of it. I don’t choose to be a follower as I believe that every person is made of a unique flavor that adds zest to the world we live in. This is an aspect that brings us all to live, love and laugh together. It is just absurd to try to get along with everyone’s idea of life. At this point, we come to the liberty of choices.

My friends sometimes go crazy when I do not follow their advice. But it is not always true. I listen, pause and reflect on how it can be enforced in my life. And I only pursue things that makes sense to my brain because it is wired differently from others. And partly, it is also due to the fact that I like being the only liable person for my actions. These realisations did not occur to me until I gave away my power to people whom I tried to coordinate with. This process took a really long time and I am at the peak of happiness while writing this.

Love is not the only substance that binds you to someone as there are so many dimensions to it. As I grow older, I have come to a point where I conclude that I can never be selfish with the ones I truly love. But this way, I tend to be vulnerable and transparent as well. So, when the circumstances ask me to leave someone for their well-being and diminish the agony to myself and them, I choose to let go. You can still love and appreciate their existence in your life but in a more ingenious way. Setting some boundaries does help. Because it is simply hard to unlove any person and stop caring, and it is not imperative. This is also something I have learnt from my sibling. She is an exceptional personality I have ever known in my life. We are still learning and growing together rationally. Until date, she is one person who has truly uncovered me inside out under the shadow of her attained skills in psycology. Yet, there are mysteries to this mind which I do not wish to unleash to the world.

So, it is clearly evident that you cannot completely align with every single person you encounter. And nothing can ever be perfect as well. The way, I and you perceive perfection in something may seem like mere imperfection to the third person. It is always wise to not judge too much on how another mind functions. If different minds are able to comprehend each other and respect the differences, the rhythm of life will be melodious and if acceptance is not a choice, one can always choose to leave where their actuality is not acknowledged. So no matter where the life flows mystically, you can make a choice to stay authentic and true to yourself. And the courage to do so is a super power that decides your rhythm of everything. This perception of mine may be wrong to some, but I would like to appreciate the good and bad in every scenario and agree to disagree.

But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.” – Samuel 16:7

The feeling of kindness and empathy always brim my mind with dopamine aka happy hormones. When I look back and reflect on my life, I recall a lot of moments where kindness helped me get back on track, focus and be my whole self again. I find it sometimes in the symphonious chirping of the birds tapping through the window panes in the mornings; in the holy smell of coffee; in the smile of a stranger I share a glance with at the supermarket; in the essence of the food that slowly grips inside; the self therapy days where I recharge my life battery to fuel for the forthcoming hustles; the extended long conversations with loved ones that helps me embrace the beauty of healthy relationships.

I came across a woman in my life whom I met in the bus. I clearly remember the moment I ran to the second bus point for a transfer as I knew I could reach my destination a bit earlier if i did that. I believe in Lord’s doings and the destiny that comes with it. The bus journey in the seat next to the woman felt so meant to-be. I saw tears in her eyes as she sniffled and held the rosary on one hand and a partially torn wallet on the other. She looked helpless. I pitched in to catch a glimpse of the situation. The story of a maid left alone at a place where she could neither find help to return to the residence (probably due to the social distancing) nor did she have enough money to take the bus. A few phone calls and some borrowed money from a friend is all I could do. My heart felt a bit heavy afterwards thinking about the incident and the old woman. I still remember her face yearning for kindness. But it feels good when I think about the last phone call I received from a person who confirmed that she reached home safe – though I still have trust issues with that call, I admit myself to believe that person. Atleast I believe an unexpected act of kindness doesn’t go in vain.

Hurdles come and go at every phase of one’s life. But kindness! They help us grow humble and wiser. Offering a hand of help or lending an ear to a person in need, whoever it be, a friend, family or even a stranger makes us a vibrant soul and even the minutest of those vibration brings peace and harmony into the World in forms that we may not anticipate with our bare eyes.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience“ : Colossians 3:12

PAUSE, HOLD and BREATHE. Lost in thoughts about the tormentors from the past got me like this.

Anecdote of a brown Indian female begins here. The indifferences and injustice she encountered was due to her skin color to an extent, being a compliant child to the school that taught her nothing but grades and gratifying others rather than oneself. How deceiving was that? How much more a 10 year old could have bore? The talent she possessed in math, arts and culture slowly began to erode and at some point of time, it became futile as the environment and the people did not let her evolve. Little did she knew about herself then. The society validated only through the lens of an intelligent brain, the one that processes information like a machine. On the other hand, an attractive face was admired more than a kind heart, the kind of one that pretty much lighted up the corners of a building but left the core untouched.

The scars never left and they inflicted a sequential era of ‘The trying to Fit-In’ attitude. This was the most demolishing side to the story. The ultimate goal changed to being adored by everyone than staying true to self. Circumstances kept changing and she waved along. But for how long? Wasn’t there an end to this?

Yes. There was. The day she discovered herself, the day she started believing in herself and decided to unleash the inner power and beauty. The wounds were deep and they keep reminding her of the woman she was, but it also reminded her of the light that shines from within and never dims. From that very glorious day, I saw her as a stubborn woman who cannot be misled at any circumstance. A woman of attitude, confidence and own ideologies that cannot easily blend with a different person. I am inordinately proud of that woman as she was an eye-opener. She triggered me to be my own true self, be honest, transparent, and made me conclude that people’s opinion about you doesn’t matter and shouldn’t matter at any cost, to follow one’s true passion and goals, being confident enough one’s own skin and color, spreading high energy vibes of happiness and love to the people around but still showing that self-love is by far, the biggest middle finger of all times.

Do not let the past decide your future or even yesterday define the very next day and no oppressors from the past and present would be happy to see you grow. So, keep GROWING everyday!

‘‘You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You have anointed my head with oil;
My cup overflows” – Psalms 23:5

Only a pint-sized fetus she was. The womb was entangled with the world outside. It gorged her pain and distress as the surroundings were devoured with growling, yelping and screaming that kept oscillating. The buzz of the little heart beeping was dreadful. The fear grew day by day as the womb wasn’t quite matured for the abominable events. But as we all fantasize, magic does exist, they are miracles of the mysterious yet untold. When that wind of faith blows, a new life can be unleashed – the one that affirms love, wisdom, and safety in a world of ill appetite and greed. So she decided to outgrow the circumstances from inside the Magical Womb for she knew that she was guarded and guided by her Creator as assured from the time she was a peanut.

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; Before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” – Jeremiah 1:5

Then all the agony enveloping her faded away. She grew stronger in mind and body from inside the womb of her young mother and on a fine evening, a beautiful child with neurotypical abilities was delivered. Little did she know then that all of it was just a mere beginning and that a sequel of wonders, mysteries and miracles were awaiting her……